Sunday, November 29, 2009

Lube Applicator?????

As if sex wasn't awkward enough now they have invented something to make things even more complicated.....

So while you fumble with a condom in the darkness (only to realize it won't go on because it's inside out) or if the bottle slips out of your hand and rolls under the bed you can now fuck around with an overpriced plastic syringe to help make your next sexual experience more erotic than a Rosie Odonnell sex tape. I'm going to order 10!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Battling Pee Shyness: A Novel Approach

I have battled pee-shyness since I was big enough to reach a urinal. For the most part I am able to pee in public now but there are still those moments when my bladder won't empty no matter how hard I try to pretend that no one else is around. However, last night I think I discovered a novel approach to overcome even the worst pee-shy scenarios.

Last night (or earlier today if you consider we didn't leave the club until 7:30AM!) I was attending my first big party/club event in downtown Miami since having moved down here. I was accompanied by my Miami Fairy Godmother and Leo. I will save details of the party and night for a separate post because what happened in the bathroom totally deserves to be written about all by itself! The parties in Miami tend to be one extreme to the next. From the muscled men, to the ridiculously strong drinks, to the drugs, to the dancing until the morning light.....and to the unapologetic cruising in the bathrooms. After three drinks it was time for me to break the seal. Unfortunately I found myself standing at a urinal next to a gentleman who was pleasuring himself instead of urinating. I tried to pretend I didn't notice all of the jerking movements from the corner of my eye. I also tried to ignore him as he started mumbling his appreciation for my genetalia and some of the obscene things he wanted to do with it. I really had to pee sooooo bad that I finally turned to him exposing myself to him and said "Here it is. Touch it, grab it, or poke it if you like but PLEASE do you think you could step away from the urinals for just 5 minutes so I can take a piss? I am extremely pee shy and cannot go with you jerking off like this right next to me."

The man looked a little startled....then puzzled. He zipped up his pants and said "Sure no problem man. Sorry." and walked away. I proceeded to pee and wondered why I never handled my pee shyness like this before. From now on I will request that all strangers exit the public bathrooom once I enter. It makes perfect sense!

Monday, November 23, 2009

He'll forgive and forget if I say I'll never go.

Recently after a 15 year love affair with Mario Lopez I was forced to break up with him due to my new love interest, Jay Sean. Well, Mario was determined to win me back and followed my down to Miami. I guess Kylie Minogue does know what they say.....better the devil you know! Sorry Jay, I guess you were just a fling. Mario still owns my heart!


During an impulsive moment prior to moving to Florida I almost got rid of all of my jackets and coats. I thought such a defiant act would liberate me once and for all from the cold winters of the midwest. I decided against doing such a ridiculous thing because I have spent way too much money on my fierce Diesel and Energie leather jackets. Also there is that possibilty I might travel north one day during the winter and will desperately need a jacket. I am now discovering another reason to be grateful that I didn't get rid of jackets.....or sweaters for that matter. The buildings down here set their air conditioning to "ARTIC". It was so cold during orientation at my new job last week that someone actually stole some blankets from the nursery. The temperatures in the rest of the hospital aren't much warmer either. Restaurants, stores and government buildings are just as bad. Right now the night time temperature is in the mid-60's yet I can hear the buzz of air conditioners outside coming from my neighbors. I have my patio door open and am enjoying the cool breeze. In fact, I think I have used the AC once. The average high right now is only 85 degrees. I am sure I will be singing a different story once the 110 degree summer weather arrives next year but for now I am going to keep a jacket handy for when I go shopping. Brrrrrrrr!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Here I Am

Ten days after making the treacherous journey across the country I find myself finally settled in southern Florida and feeling like I am home. I am tempted to ask myself "So now what?" but I have decided this is going to be the first time in my life that I am not going to try to meticulously calculate my next move or obssess about what I need to do over the next few months. I am diving head first into this new chapter of my life with my eyes wide shut.....and my mind wide open. I am starting not only a new job but a new career. My major focus right now is going to be succeeding and exceling in my new position as a clinical pharmacist. I am sure fun and new friends will find their way into my life eventually but I am not going to get too distracted just yet.

The one thing I have decided to do is to leave behind much of my life in Chicago. What does that consist of? Well, to say I had my share of "fun" in ChiTown would be the understatement of the year. Obviously I kept a well balance between work and play because I wouldn't be here otherwise BUT the amount of "fun" I was having in Chicago became simply overwhelming. I reached a point where I felt I was no longer being approached by new people because they had a genuine interest in getting to know me but that they were simply interested in...."fun". I take full responsibilty for having allowed myself to develop such a "fun" reputation but alas, once the time came for me to leave all that behind it became very evident that it wouldn't be so simple reestablishing myself as someone new in a city where there is a 0.25 degree of separation in the homosexual community. Nevertheless I know now what I need to do to avoid repeating that down here.

I am also amazed at how GOOD everything is turning out. After just one week at my new job I can honestly say this was the best decision I have ever made. I can't believe a new graduate like myself could snag a job like this. I didn't exactly have job offers knocking down my door and the ones I did have in Illinois were not exactly ideal. It's ironic that this new job made me rethink all of the plans I had for after graduation. I was so sure I was going to take a crappy retail pharmacy job for 9 months and then do post-grad training.....but instead I ended up accepting the type of postion I was hoping to find with all of that extra training. Go figure. All I can say is that I am grateful someone was willing to give me a chance.

Apart from work and unpacking I have started the awkaward process of meeting new friends. It's hard to find the normal people in this world with so many weirdos standing in the way but I am confident that I will find my niche down here sooner than I think!