Rise of the Machines

Apparently modern technology has decided to destroy me......or at least make my life very difficult! A few days ago my trusty Norelco electric razor died...well, actually I dropped it so I guess you could say I killed it. It was an accident really. It was razor-slaughter!

Anyhoo, I forked out $130 for a new one at Target (YES FERNANDO, THAT WAS THE SALE PRICE YOU SO OBNOXIOUSLY MENTIONED INSTEAD OF FEELING SORRY FOR ME). and it works like shit. Maybe I just need to break it in? Electric razors aren't know for the giving the closest shaves. However my delicate facial skin simply cannot tolerate a real razor. I shall make do.

Another electronic tragedy occured when my PDA smart phone mysteriously stopped working late Sunday afternoon. I had to scramble to find a place that was still open to remedy this situation. Thank god for Best Buy! I had to get a cheapie regular phone for now until I find a PDA replacement (that won't cost me $500). I know it all sounds silly but I actually used my PDA phone alot for work.

Let's hope nothing else breaks down this week! My DVD player was skipping the other night.......uh oh.....

Homesick

I don't know if this is a good thing or bad thing but I have been very homesick the past few weeks. I really do miss Chicago. I envy people who can leave behind their countries to come to the US because I can barely stand moving from one city to another. Honestly, the only thing that comforts me is that I know this is a natural and normal feeling. There would probably be something wrong with me if I didn't miss Chicago. I also have to remind myself of the three very obvious things whenever I start to wish I could have a slice of Nancy's stuffed pizza, go out to Sidetrash with my Milwaukee Sister and have Blue Motherfuckers or just be a Chicago Socialite walking down Halsted St in my fiercest Diesel Jeans.

1. I had no job in Chicago, LOL. It doesn't make sense to think about "what if" I had stayed if I would have been homeless and unemployed!

2. The weather. Ugh. Every morning when I get ready for work I turn on the weather channel. Winter has barely begun and the Midwest has been dumped with tons of snow and bone chilling weather. I can't imagine having an even longer commute to work in Chicago had I stayed living there. What a nightmare! And to think the really cold wether is yet to come!

3. Nothing would be different. A good friend of mine (who has lived all over the world and can speak from experience!) reassured me that you can't keep going back to the same thing expcecting different results. Sadly, there were many situations and relationships that I had grown very frustrated with and they would still be that way even if I had stayed. They wouldn't have miraculously changed for the better.

I guess now that I have sat down and reasoned all of this I realize I am not necessarily homesick. It's part of the problem but the real problem is that I am finally ready for the world but it isn't going to just knock on my door and come inside....well unless I post a sleazy ad on Craigslist. I need t otake the initiative to go out and grab the world by the balls and say "hey you....I know I've been busy these past 5 years but I am ready now for everything you have to offer!"

Because I really am ready.

Best of 2009!

1. Nadia Ali - Embers
I suspect Nadia Ali titled her album "Embers" because she hoped that each song would continue to burn long after the flame of each song faded. Nadia definitely succeeds on her first solo album. Although she gained popularity primarily as part of the dance act iio, one cannot really categorize "Embers" as a dance album. There are some stunning ballads as well as upbeat pop numbers that utilize a exquisite balance of synthesizers and guitars. What truly makes this album a gem is Nadia's lyrical honesty. Nadia bares her soul and at many times shows the listener just how flawed and vulnerable she percieves herself to be. Vulnerabilty isn't a trait most people like to discuss but Nadia doesn't hold back. Whether she is singing about a love destined to 'crash and burn' or the empty "promises" that remain after a failed relationship, her frank and sincere delivery in each song is mesmerizing.


2. Whitney Houston - I Look To You
Don't call it a comeback because she's been here for years. Unfortunately the past 7 years we have seen Ms. Houston fight a very public battle with drugs and a messy divorce. This album marked her return to the recording studio. Instead of trying to reinvent herself or go over the top, "I Look To You" picks up where Whitney Houston last left off and serves as a request to her fans that they love her like she "never left". Whitney's voice (yes it sounds different but not as bad as the critics want you to believe because she still can outsing any other "diva" out right now) soars over the opening track "Million Dollar Bill". Whitney continues to shine during most of the upbeat songs, which is odd considering her biggest hits of the 80's were mostly ballads. Even the unlikely duet with Akon comes off very natural and endearing. There is nothing contrived or calculated about this album. From start to finish it truly does sound like she never left!


3. Lady Gaga - The Fame Monster
I usually need a month or two to really know if an album is shit or a masterpiece. Some albums can surprise me and end up being "growers". Lady Gaga's "Fame Monster" was released just in time for the holidays. Technically it is a new album but it was originally meant to be an expanded edition of her debut album. Either way, Lady Gaga was the "it" girl of pop music this past year......and rightfully so! Whether you love her or think she is an overrated anorexic white girl with bad taste in clothing, you cannot deny the popularity of her music. Not in recent times has a female singer been able to so flawless merge the underground NYC club life with a sense of modern mainstream pop. Her vocal abilities are amazing too as she has proven in numerous live events. Lady Gaga's 'fame' right now is a very welcome additon to my music collection. Pulsating dance grooves with some pop saavy lyrics make her music an addiction.


4. Wisin Y Yandel - La Revolucion
Never in a million years did I think I would one day be praising the likes of a duo like Wisin Y Yandel. A few years ago reggaeton became such a popular genre that even mainstream Top 40 english radio stations were eager to play new tracks by its most popular artists. Like every other fad, reggaeton had an expiration date that was coming up, but instead of letting the sound fade into obscurity, the major players began experimenting with new sounds to create a sort of pop-reggaeton-urban hybrid. Wisin Y Yandel have been the leaders of the pack and this album was surprisingly good. Once I got past the repetitive lyrics and horrible use of spanglish, I found myself listening to a rather fun party album!


5. Miranda! - Es Imposible
The Argentinean super pop group seemed to be losing its steam after its last album. A rushed greatest hits collection screamed "damage control" but they went back to basics and created a solid and enjoyable pop-rock with album. Less time is spent creating glitzy glam rock so more time can be devoted to good music and that unmistakeble Argentinean accent! Best song is "Mentia"!


6. Fey - Dulce Tentatcion/Sweet Temptation
Mexican pop singer Fey has become quite the comeback queen over the years with more ups and downs than a Motel 6 box spring on the weekend. Not only does Fey rise from the ashes of her past flop album but she manages to exceed expectations creating one of the most anticipated and critically acclaimed latin dance pop albums of the year. Fey has done her homework and manages to take the best of Kylie Minogue, Madonna, Britney and Lady Gaga to create a poptastic explosion of dancefloor gems and electropop heaven! What's even better is Fey's ability to exude a certain amount of sassiness that was missing from previous albums (La Viuda Negra, Provocame).


7. Nelly Furtado - Mi Plan
Hate her or like her, Nelly Furtado is never one to rehash her old songs for the sake of having a hit. Each album she releases is distinctly different from the previous and this time she tackles a foreign language. Nelly began to dabble with Spanish when she sang a duet with Juanes in 2002. Since then she has recorded several spanish versions of her songs and been featured on several latin pop hits (her appearance with Wisin Y Yandel on "Sexy Movimiento" is FIERCE!) but this album is all about Nelly and her genunine love for the spanish language. Granted half of the tracks feature other artists but it creates a very friendly and welcoming feel. That and Nelly's imperfect Spanish pronunciation make this album so likeable. Musically the album creates a nice balance between her folkloric material from "Folklore" and her more modern urban works with Timbaland.


8. Pitbull - Rebelution
Yes, that's right. Pitbull. Perhaps this was my guiltiest pleasure of the year (even more so than Wisin Y Yandel) but I have been a long time fan of Pitbull. Since his first Top 40 hit "Culo", I have always enjoyed his Miami party bass sound. Lyrically he never strays too far from talking about sex and women, this album is no exception, but he does it all with a sense of humor that you can't find with most rappers. He is a horndog and has no shame. It's ok though because the club anthems like "I Know You Want Me", "Shut It Down" and "Hotel Motel" make you forget Mr. Pitbull's raunchy side!


9. Mary J Blige - Stronger With Each Tear
Ok, so this album was just released last week, but it seems like Mary has released her past three albums during the holiday season. They all went on to be big favorites of mine so this time I am going to give her the attention she deserves. The Queen of Hip Hop Soul continues her 18 year reign with one of her most stunning and stellar albums yet. Mary isn't afraind to bare her soul and share her pain...and joy. Funky retro tunes (Good Love), amazing ballads (In The Morning) and future hip-pop classics (I Feel Good) adorn this collection.

Dora The Explorer

Well, I have been out and about this week further exploring West Palm Beach and the surrounding areas. The weather was kind of crappy this week so I was rather limited to what I could do. It rained four days in a row and this weekend it was chilly (in the 60's....that's cold for Florida!). I shouldn't complain though since the rest of the country appears to be buried under 10 feet of snow. Fortunately the only snow you find in Florida is the kind the party bois snort up their nose in the disco bathrooms! LOL



So, as I was saying, on Saturday I finally drove to "the island". That is how people around here refer to Palm Beach and now I understand why it refered to in such a mysteriously elite way. It is a two minute drive across the bay and is where the beaches are. It's also where the really RICH and famous people live. I wanted to do a little shopping but I couldn't afford half of the stores. Seriously, this shopping district was straight out of a movie.I honestly felt like a homeless person trying to get some stuff with stolen food stamps walking through this area. Fortunately I found a Neiman Marcus so I was able pretend I was a millionaire for a few hours at least. Also, I never saw so many old rich white women with really bad facelifts in my life. Even Madonna and Cher would have been horrified by all the bad plastic surgery.



I still haven't investigated West Palm Beach's night life. It seems like every weekend I end up in Fort Lauderdale or Miami. Last night was no exception as I went to Score with my Miami Fairy Godmother. Thank god he let me crash at his place because there was no way I could have driven home after the drinks we had. Today I met up with a new friend and then went driving down Okeechobee Ave. I live in the downtown area of West Palm so almost everything is within walking distance but Florida in general is very suburban and you can't get by without a car and Okeechobee is the main strip for me to get to the highway and to my gym. I was curious to check out an adult video store since I have been eager to make my first Florida porn purchase. Much to my dismay I stumbled upon the scariest porn shop in the word. I almost didn't even see it. There were no windows or signs.....except for the handwritten scribble on cardboard taped to the front door that said "DVD's 3 for 20".



Once inside (yes I was dumb enough to enter) I suddnely felt like I was in the attic of a convicted child molestor who didn't know what to do with his excessive porn collection. The selection of gay videos was mostly limited to barely legal barebacking Yugoslavian twinks. Ugh. The placed smelled of dry cum and bread mold. Needless to say I was I didn't buy anything and I was out in 2 minutes. I then did grocery shopping and now find myself at home enjoying a quiet night alone. I have the day off tomorrow since I am working the holiday so I am sure I will put on my Dora the Explorer hat and venture out again!

Best Songs of 2009

For whatever reason, mainstream Top 40 music hasn't been this good since the early 90's! Thank God (or should I say Thank GaGa?) for the pop/dance music revival of 2008/2009. Of course, there were a few songs that were released this year that didn't fall into this genre but here are my 9 favorites of 2009


1. Jay Sean - Down
Ok, so this guy is hot. You don't even need to see him shirtless to realize it (although his sculpted rock hard body is a visual I enjoy seeing every chance I get!). I would have Jay's butt babies in a heart beat but I let me focus on the song at hand.....which is fucking incredible. It's an upbeat pop anthem with enough street credibility to please all ages and crowds. It's no wonder the song ended up at #1 this Fall. Extra points go to Jay's ability to sing falsetto without sounding like a whiny girl on her period (I'm looking at you Justin Timberlake!). Let's hope Jay has a long and prosperous musical career ahead of him. A gay porn or two wouldn't hurt either.


2. Nadia Ali - Love Story
Former iiO lead singer ditches the dorky white DJ and finally creates music that her fans want to hear! Her voice is lovely and at times quite hyponotic on this mellow pop/dance track. The video for the song is a low budget affair but somehow manages to compliment Nadia's lyrics and melody quite well. Even nicer were the various remixes commissioned for the song that made the song more club friendly. The love story here is that I loved this song this year!


3. David Guetta featuring Kelly Rowland - When Love Takes Over
I have been patiently waiting for Kelly Rowland's moment to outshine Beyonce and I think it finally came. Despite her continued lack of US support, this song was a worldwide #1 smash hit. Now that Kelly has escaped the clutches of the evil Knowles clan she doesn't have to hold back on the over-the-top diva vocals nor the fierce runway fashions she sports in the video to show off that sickening figure! Beyonce's Thunder Thighs of Terror were no doubt rumbling with envy seeing Kelly finally not looking like a welfare lesbian. Kelly took over indeed now let's hope she can duplicate this success with a follow-up album!


4. Shakira - She Wolf/Loba
At first listen it seems like Shakira is bandwagon jumping again like she did back in 2006 with "Hips Don't Lie" BUT one listen to the lyrics and you know this is not the case. Stop abusing your office's coffee machine and check out Shakira in heat! She howls like a wolf (literally) and her gyrating dance and cooter splitting dance moves in the video will leave even a gay man panting for breath. Shakira's lycanthropy was a welcome addition to any party this year! Just make she's house trained before inviting her to any social events.


5. Whitney Houston - Million Dollar Bill
Even if you are unemployed with a pocketful of food stamps, this song will make you feel like a million dollar bill. Whitney has risen from the ashes of her drug addiction and public melt down to come back with one of the BEST songs of her career. True Whitney fans will identify this as being this generation's "My Name Is Not Susan". Million Dollar Bill is a spunky, feisty and soulful throw back to 70's disco without sounding desperate or contrived.


6. Luis Enrique - Yo No Se Mañana
Ok, salsa is one of the most monotonous genres of Latin music. So for one song to have so much success and crossover to pop is quite amazing. When you also consider Luis Enrique's career was assumed to have been over since the 90's, it makes the success of this song even more extraordinary. EVERY station down here in southern Florida play this song constantly so for me it was a bit of a welcoming soundtrack moving down here.


7. Carlos Baute & Marta Sanchez - Colgando En Tus Manos
This is another Latin odditiy. Carlos Baute has always been the poor man's Ricky Martin, which is understandable since he looks like a bleached blonde frog. Marta Sanchez, while an amazing vocalist and treasured Spanish diva, hasn't had a hit outside of her native Spain since the 90's. Out of nowhere the two of them teamed up and re-released this song as a duet from Carlos's 2008 album. Suddenly the two of them are posing half naked and have a hit all throughout Latin America. Go figure. Anyhoo, I think the duet works and I have been a fan of Marta Sanchez since highschool so picking this as one of my favorites was a no brainer!


8. Fey - Lentamente
Fey has always been the little pop star that could...or couldn't. Despite a career full of ups and very big downs, Fey released this poptastic track on her own record label. Some might criticize her for being a little too inspired by Kylie Minogue, BUT I say good for Fey. She did her homework and did it well!


9. Lily Allen - Fuck You
I tend to get really annoyed by all of these critically acclaimed "it" girls. I refuse to even listen to a Duffy or Amy Whinehouse record but one day I accidentally stumbled across this on youtube. Cute beyond belief! I decided to finally give Lily Allen a chance and was surprised that her music wasn't as dreadful as I had thought. "Fuck You" is by far her best. Despite it's title it is actually quite cheerful and puts a smile on my face every time I listen to it!

iPapi

It occured to me the other day that I own alot of underwear. I have all sorts of colors and styles but I tend to stick with just a few select brands. My preference of brands is for the most part due to comfort and variety of colors and styles. I honestly think I own too much underwear. I probably have a pair for every day of the week for the next two months. It's actually quite ridiculous but I admit that I am a victim of underwear advertising. Men's underwear companies probably have the easiest time marketing their product to gay men. I mean, gay men probably make up the bulk of sales, not because straight men don't buy underwear but sex sells and who do you think is going to fall for an advertising campaign that consists of nothing but muscular and well endowed men wearing nothing but a pair of bikini briefs? I think I get a semi-boner almost everytime I am in the underwear department. The Papi brand has been my latest obsession. They have these super cute and comfy hipster boy shorts that fit geniously underneath low cut jeans. They are like a hybrid between briefs and boxer briefs. The company has also been heavily promoting themselves at Macy's all over with uber-homoerotic advertising (mannequins in underwear and angel wings????).

So I salute all of the underwear companies out there today that so brilliantly convince me to spend my hard earned money on overpriced undergarments that for the most part no one ever sees!

All I Wanna Do

Although Dannii Minogue frustrates me with her continued lack of new output, I must say I still adore this woman and the fact that after all of these years she doesn't mind poking fun at herself!

Home

This past summer the Pope of Pop, La Toya Jackson, recorded this cinematic masterpiece in honor of her beloved brother. Much like Toy, I too have officially been missing my old home! While I have managed to find the nearest Target, Taco Bell and 24 hour Walgreens (all absolute necessities!) I have discovered this week that there is one thing that Google Maps can't find for me just yet.......my comfort zone. No I am not referring to the 1991 Vanessa William's album but instead a place where I can go to when I am having a bad day. On Thursday I made a mistake at work and while it really wasn't that big of a deal, both the pharmacy manager and director pulled me into their office along with the other people involved. Shit happens I guess but since I am the "newbie" and am on a 90-day probationary period I was actually very concerned by all of this. Had this happened in Chicago I would have come home and either pigged out at Nancy's Pizza (oh how I miss that stuffed spinach pizza!) or I would have had some cocktails at Sidetrash as I always was sure to run into a bartender I knew or a friend. Alas, none of these are options in my new city. So my lousy day simply spiraled out of control and I went to bed feeling quite depressed. Fortunately I had the following day off. I kept myself busy getting my new driver's license and starting the process of registering my car in Florida (which is apparently going to be complicated!). Last night I finally hung out with a friend from Fort Lauderdale and we went to downtown Miami's hot spot, Discotekka! Wow I hadn't danced that much since......well, the week before when I was at Space! LOL. I guess I can't complain that much afterall!

Lube Applicator?????

As if sex wasn't awkward enough now they have invented something to make things even more complicated.....



So while you fumble with a condom in the darkness (only to realize it won't go on because it's inside out) or if the bottle slips out of your hand and rolls under the bed you can now fuck around with an overpriced plastic syringe to help make your next sexual experience more erotic than a Rosie Odonnell sex tape. I'm going to order 10!

Battling Pee Shyness: A Novel Approach

I have battled pee-shyness since I was big enough to reach a urinal. For the most part I am able to pee in public now but there are still those moments when my bladder won't empty no matter how hard I try to pretend that no one else is around. However, last night I think I discovered a novel approach to overcome even the worst pee-shy scenarios.

Last night (or earlier today if you consider we didn't leave the club until 7:30AM!) I was attending my first big party/club event in downtown Miami since having moved down here. I was accompanied by my Miami Fairy Godmother and Leo. I will save details of the party and night for a separate post because what happened in the bathroom totally deserves to be written about all by itself! The parties in Miami tend to be one extreme to the next. From the muscled men, to the ridiculously strong drinks, to the drugs, to the dancing until the morning light.....and to the unapologetic cruising in the bathrooms. After three drinks it was time for me to break the seal. Unfortunately I found myself standing at a urinal next to a gentleman who was pleasuring himself instead of urinating. I tried to pretend I didn't notice all of the jerking movements from the corner of my eye. I also tried to ignore him as he started mumbling his appreciation for my genetalia and some of the obscene things he wanted to do with it. I really had to pee sooooo bad that I finally turned to him exposing myself to him and said "Here it is. Touch it, grab it, or poke it if you like but PLEASE do you think you could step away from the urinals for just 5 minutes so I can take a piss? I am extremely pee shy and cannot go with you jerking off like this right next to me."

The man looked a little startled....then puzzled. He zipped up his pants and said "Sure no problem man. Sorry." and walked away. I proceeded to pee and wondered why I never handled my pee shyness like this before. From now on I will request that all strangers exit the public bathrooom once I enter. It makes perfect sense!

He'll forgive and forget if I say I'll never go.

Recently after a 15 year love affair with Mario Lopez I was forced to break up with him due to my new love interest, Jay Sean. Well, Mario was determined to win me back and followed my down to Miami. I guess Kylie Minogue does know what they say.....better the devil you know! Sorry Jay, I guess you were just a fling. Mario still owns my heart!

Freezing

During an impulsive moment prior to moving to Florida I almost got rid of all of my jackets and coats. I thought such a defiant act would liberate me once and for all from the cold winters of the midwest. I decided against doing such a ridiculous thing because I have spent way too much money on my fierce Diesel and Energie leather jackets. Also there is that possibilty I might travel north one day during the winter and will desperately need a jacket. I am now discovering another reason to be grateful that I didn't get rid of jackets.....or sweaters for that matter. The buildings down here set their air conditioning to "ARTIC". It was so cold during orientation at my new job last week that someone actually stole some blankets from the nursery. The temperatures in the rest of the hospital aren't much warmer either. Restaurants, stores and government buildings are just as bad. Right now the night time temperature is in the mid-60's yet I can hear the buzz of air conditioners outside coming from my neighbors. I have my patio door open and am enjoying the cool breeze. In fact, I think I have used the AC once. The average high right now is only 85 degrees. I am sure I will be singing a different story once the 110 degree summer weather arrives next year but for now I am going to keep a jacket handy for when I go shopping. Brrrrrrrr!

Here I Am

Ten days after making the treacherous journey across the country I find myself finally settled in southern Florida and feeling like I am home. I am tempted to ask myself "So now what?" but I have decided this is going to be the first time in my life that I am not going to try to meticulously calculate my next move or obssess about what I need to do over the next few months. I am diving head first into this new chapter of my life with my eyes wide shut.....and my mind wide open. I am starting not only a new job but a new career. My major focus right now is going to be succeeding and exceling in my new position as a clinical pharmacist. I am sure fun and new friends will find their way into my life eventually but I am not going to get too distracted just yet.

The one thing I have decided to do is to leave behind much of my life in Chicago. What does that consist of? Well, to say I had my share of "fun" in ChiTown would be the understatement of the year. Obviously I kept a well balance between work and play because I wouldn't be here otherwise BUT the amount of "fun" I was having in Chicago became simply overwhelming. I reached a point where I felt I was no longer being approached by new people because they had a genuine interest in getting to know me but that they were simply interested in...."fun". I take full responsibilty for having allowed myself to develop such a "fun" reputation but alas, once the time came for me to leave all that behind it became very evident that it wouldn't be so simple reestablishing myself as someone new in a city where there is a 0.25 degree of separation in the homosexual community. Nevertheless I know now what I need to do to avoid repeating that down here.

I am also amazed at how GOOD everything is turning out. After just one week at my new job I can honestly say this was the best decision I have ever made. I can't believe a new graduate like myself could snag a job like this. I didn't exactly have job offers knocking down my door and the ones I did have in Illinois were not exactly ideal. It's ironic that this new job made me rethink all of the plans I had for after graduation. I was so sure I was going to take a crappy retail pharmacy job for 9 months and then do post-grad training.....but instead I ended up accepting the type of postion I was hoping to find with all of that extra training. Go figure. All I can say is that I am grateful someone was willing to give me a chance.

Apart from work and unpacking I have started the awkaward process of meeting new friends. It's hard to find the normal people in this world with so many weirdos standing in the way but I am confident that I will find my niche down here sooner than I think!

Are you ready?

Feeling the funk in Southern Florida very soon.............