"Where are my keys? I lost my phone!"

Today's post is inspired by Lady Gaga's ode to getting shit faced at the club. This is partly due to the fact that she was in Miami last night in concert (and of the few friends I have down here they were all at the concert! Guess who stayed home? LOL). I also had a revelation. Despite the fact that I have had many shit faced moments in my life, I have never lost my keys, phone or wallet. I may have lost my dignity on several occasions but morals are for pussies if you ask me.

To give an idea of how amazing it is that I after 11 years of drinking I can still manage to make it home safe and sound with all of my personal belongings I must tell the story of the last time I got so wasted that I am shocked I didn't get raped. It was last summer in Chicago. I went out with one of my homegirls who apparently was VERY good friends with one of the bar owners and we kept getting free Goldshlager shots. At 2am I found myself stumbling down the street and eventually sitting next to a light post outside of the neighborhood bathhouse watching the night time sky SPIN like I have never seen before. Being the class act that I am I decided it would be tacky to start puking on the sidewalk so I snuck into the bathhouse via the exit door and found my way to the bathroom where I had the best abdominal work out of my life. Even Paula Abdul would have been impressed by my heaving skills.

Once I was done praying to the bathhouse porcelain throne I managed to walk home. The next morning I woke up fully dressed with my shoes still on.....and surprised that despite the hot mess I was the night before my cell phone, wallet and keys were still in my pockets. Now that is a skill that even the talented Lady Gaga wishes she had!